Keep Molehills from Becoming Mountains by Cultivating an Active Relationship with Your Mind
Stories from the road
I pulled into my friend’s driveway around 9pm, after a full day of driving. It was my first east coast stop on a cross-country journey that began in California. I was tired, and desperately looking forward to not being in the car.
Unfortunately, the friend I was staying with had been called away on a family emergency. She’d get back to her place a few hours after my arrival.
No problem. She texted me where the spare key was, and I let myself in and unloaded my things. I had just put on a movie and flopped on the couch when I decided to get my pillow out of the car. I went outside with my keys and shut the front door behind me. Got the pillow, walked back to the house, turned the doorknob. It wouldn’t open. I realized with horror that the door had locked behind me, with the spare key and all of my stuff, including my phone and my purse, inside the house. I was stuck outside at 10pm in an unknown neighborhood, with three or more hours to go until my friend got there.
I started to freak out a little at the prospect of being locked out in the middle of the night without any of my stuff. I got in my car, thinking to wait it out there. In the first few seconds of sitting in the dark, I felt something brush my bare forearm. I shook my arm, thinking it was a falling hair. But it moved in a way hair doesn’t move. Shuddering, I shook my arm harder. I got the car light on just in time to see a nice fat spider crawl beneath the seat. If I were less of a critter-friendly person, this would have sent me into paroxysms. As it was, I rubbed my goosebumps away and lifted my feet off the floor.
I tried to get comfortable lying down across the front seats (a futile mission). As I was shifting, my leg hit the horn in a loud beep. I froze, worried about disturbing the neighbors — or worse, alerting their attention to what might look like suspicious activity in their neighbor’s driveway. Then I started to laugh. This was, after all, the stuff of adventures. When you’re out in the wind, shit happens. You get into unfamiliar situations with yourself as your primary resource.
So I began to take stock of the gifts and opportunities available to me. For one thing, it was a beautiful balmy evening, quite warm and a little breezy. A perfect time to hang out on the porch facing the bay and listen to the waves lapping. I remembered I had a blanket tucked in my car somewhere, so I dug it out and headed for the porch. I decided to do a little meditation, since there was little else to do and my practice was a bit rusty — in fact, positively crusted over with disuse. I relaxed so much that I fell asleep for a while. When I woke up, I did some laps around the property, checking all the doors and windows just to make sure I wasn’t missing a way in (but my friend was diligent, good for her!). I peeked in on the chickens and observed a little nightlife in the form of crickets and spiders. I made my way back to the car and turned on the radio just as it started to play Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On.”
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?
Hmmm.
When my friend pulled up at about 1am, I was dozing in the car and scared the bejeezus out of her when I popped out and said “Hi!” while she was still in her driveway.
All in all, this was a pretty mild case of things-gone-wrong in adventureland. However, there was a time in the not-so-distant past that I would have gotten really upset over this small incident. I would have let fear, confusion and frustration overtake me. I would have beaten myself up for locking myself out. I might have even irrationally directed my anger at my friend for not being there when I arrived. I could have made the situation much, much worse than it actually was, just by being in a mindset driven by fear.
Instead, my practice as a coach and my learning journey as a person enabled me to feel a little fear, but not be overcome. I was able to laugh at the absurdity and appreciate the whimsy of life outside of familiarity and routine. I was able to enjoy this unexpected moment to myself, without technology (except for the car radio), and prevent my head from creating a world of horrors around me.
It’s a seemingly small shift, but it makes all the difference.
How did I shift my mindset?
- I noticed that I was stressed. Simply noticing when you’re in a state of distress is key. It creates a window of opportunity to do something about it. Even if you’re new to cultivating self-awareness, you can make great strides in a relatively short time when you practice mindfulness regularly, like building a new muscle. Try pausing for a moment at least three times a day and notice what’s happening in your mind and body. Don’t actively try to change it. Just be with it and observe.
- Cued by the observation that I was in distress, I was able to stop my mind from running away with my fear, and shift into a mindset from which I could take a broader view of my situation. In my coaching practice, I call this “Sage mind,” but it could also be called connecting with your “inner leader” or “best self.”
- Once in Sage mind, I could appreciate the gifts and opportunities in my situation, which I wouldn’t have been able to see in a fear-based or “Saboteur” mindset. I could create a sense of ease, explore opportunities with curiosity, get creative in problem-solving, and just enjoy the pleasures available to me.
Even the tiniest molehills can become intimidating mountains when our minds run away without supervision. A simple practice of self-navigation not only helps you manage minor mishaps, but can turn incidents that knock us flat on our backs into opportunities to learn, grow, appreciate and cultivate equanimity when we would otherwise be suffering. Having an active relationship with your own mind is an indispensable gift.
